Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The Gospel According to Gyajoaled Walsus

You know that we are all crazy conspiracy theorists. You’re right!

Yes, I believe that Captain Kangaroo was the subject of a class action law suit brought by the entire marsupial species.

Yes, I believe that Joe Friday was actually Joe Wednesday, but changed his name so as not to interfere with the ashes.

Yes, I believe that chickens don’t cross the road merely to get to the other side. I believe that they want to find out if the grass is really greener.

Now, the gospel according to Judas has been released. There’s a lot to learn from reading that gospel. For example, Jesus was not really a Capricorn.

The Front Man has said that the bush-god of the bush-bible tells him to slaughter innocent people. After all, didn’t that very same
god spend a lot of time slaughtering innocent people? I guess he leads by example.

So I’m convinced that now is the time to reveal the most cryptic and unmanageable document ever not discovered by man nor beast nor dark of night.

The world may not be ready yet, but I can’t contain it any longer.

Caution: The Gospel According to Gyajoaled Walsus has been known to cause nightmares and make people inquisitively ask, “Huh?”

There once was an old man with a gray beard and a long, white robe. He lived high in the clouds, much higher than any bird or vessel can fly.

One day, this man, whose name escapes me for now, so I’ll just call him Gyajoaled Walsus, or “GW,” felt lonely. He was the only person amongst the vacuum.

On that fateful day, he took his Legos and began building a full rack of ribs. There was no time to fly, so it was easy to lose track.

To his amazement, he had overbuilt the rack by one and thought for forty days and seven nights what he should do with his one extra rib.

He finally decided to build a half rack and split it in two.

The Legos eventually came with a full compliment of arms, legs and other sundry characteristics of today’s homo sapiens.

GW said to his Legos, “You can do anything you want, but don’t eat apple pies.”

Well, wouldn’t you know it! As soon as half rack heard that, we’ll call her Maria Terra for now, she broke out her Betty Crocker bake set that she had received for being the fiftieth Maria Terra to eat beef and bake apple pies.

Well, this story isn’t so bad yet because she just baked the pie, right?

Nooooo! She had to turn to full rack, who we’ll call Phil Estien, who later became the second most powerful psychotropic drug in history, and say, “Phil, won’t you eat a piece of my Betty Crocker bake set apple pie?”

Well Phil remembered what GW had said and replied, “GW said not to eat apple pies.”

Maria Terra looked at Phil with those canary eyelids and said, “GW said ‘pies’. I’m offering you a piece of my Betty Crocker bake set apple pie. I’m not suggesting you eat ‘apple pies’”.

Phil spoke for a moment and then thought. “OK, you’re right. GW can’t get mad at us. He did say ‘pies’ and you’re just offering a piece. Besides, GW never said what would happen even if we did eat pies, did he?”

The day of reckoning arrived just in time, for the day of reckoning was at hand. The court room was filled. There was the jester, Johnny Cochrane, Clarence Darrow, William Jennings Bryan, Branch Ricky, Robby Jackson, the first Australian/American to slide into a full plate of Betty Crocker bake set apple pies, Bob Dylan and Dylan Thomas, Marianne Faithful and her husband, My Cheatin’ Heart, and gobs and gobs of life from Flora to Fauna.

The prosecution wasted no time for time had just been invented and they really didn’t know how much they had.

“Your honor”, one persecutor said to Johnny Cash, the only person to wear all black that day, “we feel the death penalty is in order for the heinous crime of eating Betty Crocker bake set apple pies.”

Cash took one puff of his rope and granted recess.

The entire courtroom emptied out into the playground.

The sentencing phase came just after recess.

Cash lit a new rope, for he had either eaten or finished smoking the rope referred to above.

A hush fell over the court room as Cash deliberately delivered his deliveration.

“Your order, Sirs and Madams,” he said to the persecution. “But no one is to die until I finish my model of the after life.”

They all agreed, but, as they were lying their napkins on their lapse, little did they know that the two eyed Jacks, Kevorkian and Kerouac, were building their own version of the Betty Crocker bake set.

“No one will tell us when to die”, one Jack said to the other.

It was at this particular time that they started calling them World Wars until they reached II. After that, Legos fell apart, piece by peace, walls were built, children were born at gun point, mothers went to Sears in burqas to get family photos taken, Japanese skin crawled under mushrooms, hangings sold out, every one of ‘em, watt chairs were invented, AKs honeymooned with 47s, Columbine declared the world round and discovered China (what a time to have forgotten his laundry), slaves built Rome, home and other sundry whiplash.

Betty Crocker offered Lego a very tender deal and parks sang themes.

To friendship,

"In sharing, in loving all and everything, one people naturally found a due portion of the thing they sought, while in fearing, the other found need of conquest." - Chief Luther Standing Bear - Oglala Sioux

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