Thursday, March 10, 2005

Bushwhacker and Niner Oner Oner

No one ever reads these. My report comes through with all zeroes in the “how many people stopped and looked at your blog today” report.

So, I write this for me. I read this and I liked it. I also wrote it, so I was somewhat biased when I made my decision.

Yeah, that’s right, I thought it was tough moderatin’ a message board. So, I figured moderatin’ the world would be easier.

Let’s take the terms of service, for example. Let’s take violence.

At most message boards, you can’t even promote violence.

In the real world, you can promote violence all you want. Ever seen a Schwarzenegger film? Man, there’s blood and guts everywhere. But its fake blood and guts.

So, the only rule they have to follow in the real world is not to do it for real. Think they can follow that simple rule? Nooooooo!

Like this one member, goes by the name Bushwhacker. Well, he didn’t have a hand in spilling real blood and guts, but he sent some little kids to do it for him! They’re over there in that sandy place and there’s blood and guts everywhere and it’s real!

And you know why? Because this other member, my-mama-been-a-ladle, they’re both really obnoxious, threw some paper planes into Bushwhacker’s Lego buildings and knocked them down and made real blood and guts all over Bushwhacker’s play ground.

Thing is, he didn’t even throw the planes himself. Yep, you got it. He got some little kids to throw the planes for him and lots of kids got hurt when the Lego buildings fell. Even the kids mama-been got to throw the planes got hurt.

So, they’re both bullies. They want to fight each other, but for some reason, they won’t.

Well, I happen to know why they won’t. Because they’re really friends! Can you believe it? Their moms and dads go way back. Both of their families have been friendly for a long time. I notice that I never hear Bushwhacker threaten to beat up mama-been anymore.

Here’s the scoop. Neither of them like another member, sodaminsane. Where do they come up with these screen names anyway?

So Bushwhacker and mama-been got together and mama-been would knock down Bushwhacker’s Legos and Bushwhacker would know all about it all along.

Now Bushwhacker wanted some of the play-sheen that sodaminsane had buried in his yard. Yeah, Bushwhacker had plenty of play-sheen of his own, but you know how immature kids can be. “More, more, more,” that’s all they say.

But sodaminsane wouldn’t give Bushwhacker his play-sheen. A lot of the other kids in sodam’s neighborhood let Bushwhacker have their play-sheen. Of course, Bushwhacker had to give them some pieces of his Monopoly game, but he had plenty of pieces to go ‘round.

But sodam wouldn’t give up his play-sheen. So mama-been had these little kids throw paper planes into Bushwhacker’s Lego buildings and Bushwhacker pretended to get mad a mama-been, but he wasn’t really mad at mama-been at all.

And Bushwhacker’s friends got mad at mama-been, too. And when Bushwhacker got his friends good and mad, he said that they should go over to the sandy place and beat up sodaminsane. Well, Bushwhacker’s friends were worked up into such a lather that they said, “Yeah, beat up sodaminsane!”

Then Bushwhacker got a lot of his little friends to go over to sodam’s place and beat him up and beat up all the kids who lived with him as well.

Sure, some of Bushwhacker’s little friends got beat up, but what a mess they made of sodam’s place!

Nobody even knew why they were sent to beat up sodam and his room mates. Well, that’s not exactly true. Bushwhacker said that sodam had some paper airplanes and was getting ready to throw them at other Lego buildings.

Not much later, though, all of the kids were told that sodam didn’t have any paper airplanes at all, but Bushwhacker’s friends were still mad at sodam so Bushwhacker hurried up and changed his story and said that sodam was one of the little kids who helped mama-been throw the original paper planes into Bushwhacker’s Lego buildings.

Well, that couldn’t be. Mama-been didn’t like sodam, either. It seems he let anybody in as a room mate. You know what I mean? Even the “undesirables”. And mama-been’s and sodam’s mom and dad weren’t friends, either.

And that got back to Bushwhacker’s friends, but they were now mad at sodam for helping mama-been throw the paper airplanes. They were so mad at that that they’d even forgotten Bushwhacker’s original story about sodam having his own paper airplanes.

Now, Bushwhacker was afraid his little friends would find out that sodam really didn’t help mama-been, so he told his friends that sodam was making his room mates do all the work around the place. If they didn’t, according to Bushwhacker, sodam would beat them up.

Well, by this time, sodam just gave up. He couldn’t win for losing. And that was a good thing because he used to beat up his own room mates.

And Bushwhacker said to his little friends that they really did a good job making sodam give up and all and they needed to help sodam’s room mates fix up the place and share the work equally, even if they had to beat up the room mates to do that and they did beat up some of those room mates pretty badly.

Well, in reality the place wasn’t in that bad of a shape, so Bushwhacker told his friends to mess it up a little and then clean it up afterwards. Bushwhacker’s little friends were starting to get confused, but the friends who didn’t have to go to the sandy place were perfectly clear why the other little friends had to go and beat up sodam’s room mates and get beat up themselves. They even supported them by sending them little toy boxes to put the toys in because Bushwhacker’s friend, rummyguy, wouldn’t send them any of his toy boxes.

So you see, it’s harder to moderate the world than to moderate a message board. At most message boards you can’t even promote violence. In the world, you’re allowed to promote it, but you can’t kill people and Bushwhacker and mama-been can’t even follow that rule!

So, I tried to give Bushwhacker a warning, but his little friends wouldn’t let me. I did give him an unofficial warning, though, since this was the first time he sent little kids to die and kill.

But mind you me, if he does it again, I’m giving him an official warning. And then, you know the rules, three strikes and you’re out. Of course, Bushwhacker’s been talking to the other moderators to try to get that rule changed just for him. He wants to be able to get as many strikes as he can get.

Meanwhile, Bushwhacker and mama-been have been gettin’ quite the chuckle out of their little charade.

To friendship,

The world's not lost
it's just been sold.

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